God & Solitare

Last night I was playing solitare on my PDA as I do most nights to turn off my brain before going to sleep. Strange drugs and diseases running through your brain does not help you fall asleep. In the past I turned on the "cumulative scoring" option (in vagas style solitare, it costs $52/game and you get 3 bucks back for every card you put up on top). I liked to see how much debt I would be in if I were playing for real. By the end of last semester I was over $15,000 in the red.

The problem is, I do this in real life. I keep a cumulative score of my sins: the times I didn't listen to the Holy Spirit, didn't act and love like Jesus, the times I felt like I was avoiding God, being selfish, didn't get into the Word, enjoyed my "guilty pleasures" in disperportionate amounts, skipped church, etc. And I "know" in my mind that God doesn't keep this tally, but somehow in my heart I felt like I had to. That I had to get the balance at least back to $0 in order to come before Him. That there was no way I could really be repentant with at $15,000 debt. Because if I was really repentant I would not have played solitare in the first place (solitare is just the metaphore here guys). It is impossible in both solitare and in our spiritual lives to not be bankrupt most of the time.

This morning, for the first time in a long time, I actually had the desire to get up, get my coffee, and sit at my dinning room table and open my Bible. I pulled out my BSF study and read Romans 9:30-32:

Israel's Unbelief
30What then shall we say? That the Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, have obtained it, a righteousness that is by faith; 31but Israel, who pursued a law of righteousness, has not attained it. 32Why not? Because they pursued it not by faith but as if it were by works.

I am trying to ATTAIN my rightousness. It has been given to me and I have already OBTAINED it. I am legalistic toward myself, though I try to deny it and know how against the cross it is. I feel that I have to work harder, be less lazy in order for God to look upon me and say "well done my good anf faithful sevant." But I am not being faithful. And I can never work hard enough to earn it.

Knowing all this, I am still trying to get my head and my heart to align on this. Any Biblical advice my dear friends? Any encouragement? I know Paul's "I do the things I do not want to do, yet the things I want to do I do not do" always seems to bring some peace. But I am frustrated with myself presently.

I have turned off the cumulative score keeping. Every new game it starts back over at -$52. When I win a game I wish it were still on cumulative. But I know that overall I would never remain in the black for long. Much the same with my days. It is awesome that God resets the counter for me every day. And He does it with endless patience. He knows He needs it with me. Hopefully some day, I will faithfully accept this as fact and rejoice in it all my days.

Paz to you mi amigos.